Friends aren't everything

confusion... just something i cant figure out, why people act the way they do and why do i act the way i do... im starting to believe that every1 needs a philosphy in life, something to live by, instead of arbitary laws and insignificant trends based on several individuals in this world. if every1 had a saying to follow, then this world would be a more interesting place...

 

everywhere i go its the same people, with the same mindset following the same set of rules. Im not one to judge honestly, since i follow these people as well. But if i could choose not to, then i would. However experience has taught me that not following makes u a leader. Because thats all there is, followers and leaders. And if ur a leader and u dont follow these rules, then ur a goner, an outcast.

 

to be different is to be unique, and to be unique, u will be alone...

 

Is it true that all the people in the world are alone and have a different way of thinking? and does it make them unique if they are alone?

 

so what can be done? do i follow or should i become a leader? i say neither. i should be who i want to be, and i should think the way i want to think. Im going through my detoxing stage atm. Im moving away from runners in life, and walking along the gutters which no one dares to walk. Its time to take the first step. Its time to let go off an old dull life and time to make my own.

 

Start of the new year and 2007.

 

gay, its the 3rd and im back at work...so utterly fkn DEPRESSING!, i haven't felt this depressed since year 11 and 12. So cbf... ive had the worst morning that i really cbf talking about it.

27th December, 3.12am.

 

Tonite has really been just a wierd night. Didn't think much of it. Yet i still felt like i needed to not dissapear. Spoke to gf just then.

 

I dont think she noticed. Im a bit dissapointed, there was only 1 question i needed to hear. r u ok? But it never came.

 

maybe i should have said something? its too late now. but i really wished she asked, just so i could explain.

 

Well this is it for tonite. im 23.

 

 

The 26th of december, 9.42pm.

 

Lying in bed, looking at my computer screen. Listening to Michael buble - Home. Just awesome.

 

Only another couple of hours. I went for a drive before just to get out of the house and have a ciggarette. It wasn't great, but it was a release. The release from reality. Maybe this is the only way to leave without worrying anyone immediately.

 

So as a review of my life. Everything in the last couple of years has changed dramatically from mydepressing days of lonliness to today. Life seems to be happier, however just like every first love, the past and the emotions cannot be forgotten. As i lay here typing, all i can do is hope. Hope for what? i really dont know, i really dont care.

 

As the past swells up and the future becomes vague in the back of my mind, i know there will be things that will never change.

 

Is it time to give up what i have achieved, to just let go and take everything as it comes. I know deep down i dont want to, but theres just been too many obstacles, and with every barrier i overcome, there just seems to be a million more. I know life is not easy, i know that i have to have the courage and the strength to carry on, but it seems like a never ending battle.

 

As i write this, something has happened. Has god really given me something that ive been missing? a true friend. Or do i have them around but i dont want to accept the truth and rather be lonely? is this a natural feeling? to be lonely.

 

A million people stand in one group and I, on the outa edge. Why am i standing here? Im not too sure but i think its what i want. I close my eyes and i see myself walking away, into the white space. The reality or just a vision. What is it I want, and why do i see myself walking away farther and farther with every day that passes.

 

almost three years of courage and strength vs 15 years of sadness, and 5 years of nothingness....

 

 

 

Tried to adapt. Tried to Strive. Now i know who is true.

 

Note to self.... do not trust no one...but the one..

 

Me and gf had a good talk over the fone... it was one of those conversations which had basically everything... but for some reason i just dont seem.... content? i dunno the word for it... just feels like somethings missing... do i know what this something is? maybe i do, or maybe i dont...

and now we're back at "Secrets".

 

I think i started feeling a wierd "wtf" feeling in me when i thought about it tonite... and i just crumbled there on in. Just didn't know what to do or say... it was just wierd...

 

i'll update this later if i cant sleep

 

goodnights mr.blog

Well as the title suggests... trying to quit smoking is actually a hard thing to do... i remember it was so easy lolz fark!

 

well i just had a smoke lolz, BUT! dont judge, i gave my keys to a work mate who hates smokers lolz, and i told her to give me back my keys until she leaves at 3.30, then i gotta give my keys to my boss lolz. I left my smokes in the car btw. So that'll stop me smoking till 6.30. haha fark its gonna be a long day.

 

Last night i spoke to gf and web cammed with her for abit. haha i dont really have much use for a webcam, she got it for me as a present for our anniversary and because i had a shitty day, to make me happy. :) so thank u gf. However, we had a fight last night over something i thought was silly, but maybe it isn't. I drew stupid stuff on her pic on my laptop and sent it to her, funii at the time..but after the fight, no longer funii, no no no...

 

Well its 11.33am, and im not gonna smoke hopefully for the rest of the day, but i seriously doubt it hahaha i reckon as soon as i get my hands on the keys hahhaha its all over lolz, there goes the deck... well ive got alot of work to do, so i'll update this later during the day...

 

hahaha its 1.30pm, two hours later im dying for a smoko... dont know why, most like because im thinking to myself "dont smoke, dont smoke" and somehow tahts changed to "mmm smoko, mmmm smoko" lolz this is not good.. lunch is ready, and instead of having the vegetarian version lunch at work, i wanna go get some dim sims.... now, the only problem is, my money is in the car, and my smokes are in there too lol hahaha fark, i know if i go get the money, i'll get a smoke too hahaha... dilemma hahah

 

what will i do? will take a smoke? will i miss out on lunch? or will i just get the money and not smoke (doubtful) lolz

all this and more on the next update!

 

well i had lunch... i had some money in my wallet and got myself a chicken roll! lolz... so im sitting here an hour later thinking to myself.. i need a farken smoko bad.. and the worst thing is its only been 4 and a half hours... thinking about it really dosen't help lolz.. when im at home 4 hours is nothing without a smoke... so wat do i do? still dying for a smoke.. i dont think my work mate is going to give me my keys either lolz looks like its time to opena can of whoop ass on these 60 year olds lolz! snap and shin or two and show them whos boss lolz....

 

Symptoms of day 8&9: teary eyes, disregard for quality of work, a lil agression, and the need to kill for a smoke..

 

haha i just heard a funii ass joke so i thought i'd share

 

A guy needs to decide who he is going to marry out of 3 women

 

a guy gives $5000 to all 3 women to show his love for them.

 

The first woman went out and invested the money and tripled it, gave 5000 back to him and invested the rest in a joint account to show her love for him. He was very impressed by this.

The second woman used that 5000 to buy him presents to show her love for him. He was very impressed by this as well.

The third woman gave the 5000 back, saying "all i need is your love"

 

After all this, the man coulnd't decide who to marry. So he married the one with the biggest boobs. lolz!

 

if u didn't find this funii, then i farked it up somewhere lolz, because when i heard it i was laughing for a while. Gotta love the jocks that are true.