27th December, 3.12am.

 

Tonite has really been just a wierd night. Didn't think much of it. Yet i still felt like i needed to not dissapear. Spoke to gf just then.

 

I dont think she noticed. Im a bit dissapointed, there was only 1 question i needed to hear. r u ok? But it never came.

 

maybe i should have said something? its too late now. but i really wished she asked, just so i could explain.

 

Well this is it for tonite. im 23.

 

 

The 26th of december, 9.42pm.

 

Lying in bed, looking at my computer screen. Listening to Michael buble - Home. Just awesome.

 

Only another couple of hours. I went for a drive before just to get out of the house and have a ciggarette. It wasn't great, but it was a release. The release from reality. Maybe this is the only way to leave without worrying anyone immediately.

 

So as a review of my life. Everything in the last couple of years has changed dramatically from mydepressing days of lonliness to today. Life seems to be happier, however just like every first love, the past and the emotions cannot be forgotten. As i lay here typing, all i can do is hope. Hope for what? i really dont know, i really dont care.

 

As the past swells up and the future becomes vague in the back of my mind, i know there will be things that will never change.

 

Is it time to give up what i have achieved, to just let go and take everything as it comes. I know deep down i dont want to, but theres just been too many obstacles, and with every barrier i overcome, there just seems to be a million more. I know life is not easy, i know that i have to have the courage and the strength to carry on, but it seems like a never ending battle.

 

As i write this, something has happened. Has god really given me something that ive been missing? a true friend. Or do i have them around but i dont want to accept the truth and rather be lonely? is this a natural feeling? to be lonely.

 

A million people stand in one group and I, on the outa edge. Why am i standing here? Im not too sure but i think its what i want. I close my eyes and i see myself walking away, into the white space. The reality or just a vision. What is it I want, and why do i see myself walking away farther and farther with every day that passes.

 

almost three years of courage and strength vs 15 years of sadness, and 5 years of nothingness....

 

 

 

Tried to adapt. Tried to Strive. Now i know who is true.

 

Note to self.... do not trust no one...but the one..

 

Me and gf had a good talk over the fone... it was one of those conversations which had basically everything... but for some reason i just dont seem.... content? i dunno the word for it... just feels like somethings missing... do i know what this something is? maybe i do, or maybe i dont...

and now we're back at "Secrets".

 

I think i started feeling a wierd "wtf" feeling in me when i thought about it tonite... and i just crumbled there on in. Just didn't know what to do or say... it was just wierd...

 

i'll update this later if i cant sleep

 

goodnights mr.blog

Well as the title suggests... trying to quit smoking is actually a hard thing to do... i remember it was so easy lolz fark!

 

well i just had a smoke lolz, BUT! dont judge, i gave my keys to a work mate who hates smokers lolz, and i told her to give me back my keys until she leaves at 3.30, then i gotta give my keys to my boss lolz. I left my smokes in the car btw. So that'll stop me smoking till 6.30. haha fark its gonna be a long day.

 

Last night i spoke to gf and web cammed with her for abit. haha i dont really have much use for a webcam, she got it for me as a present for our anniversary and because i had a shitty day, to make me happy. :) so thank u gf. However, we had a fight last night over something i thought was silly, but maybe it isn't. I drew stupid stuff on her pic on my laptop and sent it to her, funii at the time..but after the fight, no longer funii, no no no...

 

Well its 11.33am, and im not gonna smoke hopefully for the rest of the day, but i seriously doubt it hahaha i reckon as soon as i get my hands on the keys hahhaha its all over lolz, there goes the deck... well ive got alot of work to do, so i'll update this later during the day...

 

hahaha its 1.30pm, two hours later im dying for a smoko... dont know why, most like because im thinking to myself "dont smoke, dont smoke" and somehow tahts changed to "mmm smoko, mmmm smoko" lolz this is not good.. lunch is ready, and instead of having the vegetarian version lunch at work, i wanna go get some dim sims.... now, the only problem is, my money is in the car, and my smokes are in there too lol hahaha fark, i know if i go get the money, i'll get a smoke too hahaha... dilemma hahah

 

what will i do? will take a smoke? will i miss out on lunch? or will i just get the money and not smoke (doubtful) lolz

all this and more on the next update!

 

well i had lunch... i had some money in my wallet and got myself a chicken roll! lolz... so im sitting here an hour later thinking to myself.. i need a farken smoko bad.. and the worst thing is its only been 4 and a half hours... thinking about it really dosen't help lolz.. when im at home 4 hours is nothing without a smoke... so wat do i do? still dying for a smoke.. i dont think my work mate is going to give me my keys either lolz looks like its time to opena can of whoop ass on these 60 year olds lolz! snap and shin or two and show them whos boss lolz....

 

Symptoms of day 8&9: teary eyes, disregard for quality of work, a lil agression, and the need to kill for a smoke..

 

haha i just heard a funii ass joke so i thought i'd share

 

A guy needs to decide who he is going to marry out of 3 women

 

a guy gives $5000 to all 3 women to show his love for them.

 

The first woman went out and invested the money and tripled it, gave 5000 back to him and invested the rest in a joint account to show her love for him. He was very impressed by this.

The second woman used that 5000 to buy him presents to show her love for him. He was very impressed by this as well.

The third woman gave the 5000 back, saying "all i need is your love"

 

After all this, the man coulnd't decide who to marry. So he married the one with the biggest boobs. lolz!

 

if u didn't find this funii, then i farked it up somewhere lolz, because when i heard it i was laughing for a while. Gotta love the jocks that are true. 

 

 

Hey all again,

 

Well its another entry lolz... i think i'll follow the pattern of two days

 

Not much has happened again.. just been working my ass off... had volleyball and lost, farken gay i swear..

 

anyways i wont talk about volleyball.. well today i woke up feeling refreshed from a pretty good sleep and i thought to myself..fark why dont i quit smoking hahaha farken! wat a bad idea that was

 

Time start: 9am - quit smoking

Time of next smoke: 12pm

Time of thinking to stop again: 1pm

Time of next smoke: 2pm (after lunch)

 

shits farked i swear lolz. Imagine trying to be a programmer and trying to quit smoking at the same time and thats me :). lolz i swear its just like swimming with one arm... lolz.. i'll try again tomorrow hahhaa wata joke. lucky i didn't crack it at my boss. he kept getting me to answer wierd ass questions hahaha i swear he was trying to provoke me lolz.. i shoulda just chucked the keyboard at him and said it was due to withdrawal symptoms

 

Yawns, well its 5pm and im thinking of whether i should stay at work longer and catch up on work, or stay at work longer and chat, or just go home lolz... decisions decisions.... what to do..such a nice day out, wish i could go out and play with the other kids..but i cant until i get my homework done  hahaha damn i really gotta find something else to do at work other than chatting and programming abit

 

chatting to the gf at the moment, well not really, ran outa things to say to each other so we're not gonna msg each other for 30 minutes and hope there is something to say after that lolz. hmmz should i go for a smoke? NO! I must quit.. hahaha fark it smoko time.

 

5 mins later: Smoke felt real good

 

the end

 

 

 

Well well well its the fourth day and a saturday afternoon...

 

throughout the week ive been at home saving money and just trying to sleep early... i guess since the gf left ive just been stale and plain, keeping to myself. However one thing i do regret is when she calls or when we talk, im always really tired... and end up falling asleep really quick... so if ur reading gf im really sorry i dont mean to, just by coincidence...

 

Well i went out last night, didn't feel like going, but i just did because there was nothing left to do, lavish it was...surprised to see so many people there i tried to make the most of it, drank what i could and by coincidence i ended drinking most of the time with my gf's ex bf hahahah which was pretty funii...

 

Anyways saturday afternoon woke up not long ago, and im watching the cricket at home, contemplating whether i should play ps2. i know i know my life has no many hard decisions lolz... well the next decisive decision is whether i should go out tonite? blvd? maybe... i realy dont feel like it either but theres just nothing else to do... i rather spend some time catching up with friends, but i dont know who to go with and what to do...

 

so maybe if nothing comes up its just blvd tonite... what to do what to do...

 

so far this is the fourth day

 

day 4 symptoms: hang over to alcohol abuse, munchies, lonliness still..

 

i miss u so much babe.. enjoy ur night and i love u! muahz

Hello dear reader(s),

 

im pretty sure theres only 1 reader... anyways

 

its the morning of day 3 and the weather explains my mood, windy, slightly cold and just a slow day... im feeling pretty low atm, things have just been happening over the last few days which have indirectly hit me... its stupid that i care so much, but i guess i have to... some of u know some of u dont..

 

Well its day 3 of this 60 day journey of loneliness... i still haven't decided how im gonna go by dealing with this, but i guess i usually just let it be and wateva happens, happens...... but not this time, i really wanna do something... ive gotten to a stage where i think my body cant handle anymore abuse... so im gonna quit smoking, cut down on drinking, stop drinking coke and soft drinks, and stop eating so much even when im not hungry...

 

day 1 symptons: slight aggression, tingling in the crotch

day 2 symptons: further aggression, needing to stay in bed, teary eyes, wanting to watch a chick flick, watched "lake house"

day 3 symptons: slight urge to get plarsted at work (i have a feeling this one is going to exponentially increase),  and a feeling of lonliness

 

i have a feeling its gonna be a long day, i really dont know what im gonna do tonite, i feel kinda lonely.. any1 wanna keep me company? lolz

should i go clubbing with some friends? should i go watch a movie? dinner? hmmz... what to do.. its a hard decision.. or should i just stay home? no idea yet...

 

on a brighter note i downloaded beer fest and that's an awesome movie.. completely lifted my spirits so i was really happy but then came back to earth at about 1am...

 

anyways enough blaberring..this is the end

 

ps: if this Click Here works let me know where it goes