confusion... just something i cant figure out, why people act the way they do and why do i act the way i do... im starting to believe that every1 needs a philosphy in life, something to live by, instead of arbitary laws and insignificant trends based on several individuals in this world. if every1 had a saying to follow, then this world would be a more interesting place...

 

everywhere i go its the same people, with the same mindset following the same set of rules. Im not one to judge honestly, since i follow these people as well. But if i could choose not to, then i would. However experience has taught me that not following makes u a leader. Because thats all there is, followers and leaders. And if ur a leader and u dont follow these rules, then ur a goner, an outcast.

 

to be different is to be unique, and to be unique, u will be alone...

 

Is it true that all the people in the world are alone and have a different way of thinking? and does it make them unique if they are alone?

 

so what can be done? do i follow or should i become a leader? i say neither. i should be who i want to be, and i should think the way i want to think. Im going through my detoxing stage atm. Im moving away from runners in life, and walking along the gutters which no one dares to walk. Its time to take the first step. Its time to let go off an old dull life and time to make my own.

 

Start of the new year and 2007.

 

gay, its the 3rd and im back at work...so utterly fkn DEPRESSING!, i haven't felt this depressed since year 11 and 12. So cbf... ive had the worst morning that i really cbf talking about it.

27th December, 3.12am.

 

Tonite has really been just a wierd night. Didn't think much of it. Yet i still felt like i needed to not dissapear. Spoke to gf just then.

 

I dont think she noticed. Im a bit dissapointed, there was only 1 question i needed to hear. r u ok? But it never came.

 

maybe i should have said something? its too late now. but i really wished she asked, just so i could explain.

 

Well this is it for tonite. im 23.

 

 

The 26th of december, 9.42pm.

 

Lying in bed, looking at my computer screen. Listening to Michael buble - Home. Just awesome.

 

Only another couple of hours. I went for a drive before just to get out of the house and have a ciggarette. It wasn't great, but it was a release. The release from reality. Maybe this is the only way to leave without worrying anyone immediately.

 

So as a review of my life. Everything in the last couple of years has changed dramatically from mydepressing days of lonliness to today. Life seems to be happier, however just like every first love, the past and the emotions cannot be forgotten. As i lay here typing, all i can do is hope. Hope for what? i really dont know, i really dont care.

 

As the past swells up and the future becomes vague in the back of my mind, i know there will be things that will never change.

 

Is it time to give up what i have achieved, to just let go and take everything as it comes. I know deep down i dont want to, but theres just been too many obstacles, and with every barrier i overcome, there just seems to be a million more. I know life is not easy, i know that i have to have the courage and the strength to carry on, but it seems like a never ending battle.

 

As i write this, something has happened. Has god really given me something that ive been missing? a true friend. Or do i have them around but i dont want to accept the truth and rather be lonely? is this a natural feeling? to be lonely.

 

A million people stand in one group and I, on the outa edge. Why am i standing here? Im not too sure but i think its what i want. I close my eyes and i see myself walking away, into the white space. The reality or just a vision. What is it I want, and why do i see myself walking away farther and farther with every day that passes.

 

almost three years of courage and strength vs 15 years of sadness, and 5 years of nothingness....

 

 

 

Tried to adapt. Tried to Strive. Now i know who is true.

 

Note to self.... do not trust no one...but the one..

 

Me and gf had a good talk over the fone... it was one of those conversations which had basically everything... but for some reason i just dont seem.... content? i dunno the word for it... just feels like somethings missing... do i know what this something is? maybe i do, or maybe i dont...

and now we're back at "Secrets".

 

I think i started feeling a wierd "wtf" feeling in me when i thought about it tonite... and i just crumbled there on in. Just didn't know what to do or say... it was just wierd...

 

i'll update this later if i cant sleep

 

goodnights mr.blog

Well as the title suggests... trying to quit smoking is actually a hard thing to do... i remember it was so easy lolz fark!

 

well i just had a smoke lolz, BUT! dont judge, i gave my keys to a work mate who hates smokers lolz, and i told her to give me back my keys until she leaves at 3.30, then i gotta give my keys to my boss lolz. I left my smokes in the car btw. So that'll stop me smoking till 6.30. haha fark its gonna be a long day.

 

Last night i spoke to gf and web cammed with her for abit. haha i dont really have much use for a webcam, she got it for me as a present for our anniversary and because i had a shitty day, to make me happy. :) so thank u gf. However, we had a fight last night over something i thought was silly, but maybe it isn't. I drew stupid stuff on her pic on my laptop and sent it to her, funii at the time..but after the fight, no longer funii, no no no...

 

Well its 11.33am, and im not gonna smoke hopefully for the rest of the day, but i seriously doubt it hahaha i reckon as soon as i get my hands on the keys hahhaha its all over lolz, there goes the deck... well ive got alot of work to do, so i'll update this later during the day...

 

hahaha its 1.30pm, two hours later im dying for a smoko... dont know why, most like because im thinking to myself "dont smoke, dont smoke" and somehow tahts changed to "mmm smoko, mmmm smoko" lolz this is not good.. lunch is ready, and instead of having the vegetarian version lunch at work, i wanna go get some dim sims.... now, the only problem is, my money is in the car, and my smokes are in there too lol hahaha fark, i know if i go get the money, i'll get a smoke too hahaha... dilemma hahah

 

what will i do? will take a smoke? will i miss out on lunch? or will i just get the money and not smoke (doubtful) lolz

all this and more on the next update!

 

well i had lunch... i had some money in my wallet and got myself a chicken roll! lolz... so im sitting here an hour later thinking to myself.. i need a farken smoko bad.. and the worst thing is its only been 4 and a half hours... thinking about it really dosen't help lolz.. when im at home 4 hours is nothing without a smoke... so wat do i do? still dying for a smoke.. i dont think my work mate is going to give me my keys either lolz looks like its time to opena can of whoop ass on these 60 year olds lolz! snap and shin or two and show them whos boss lolz....

 

Symptoms of day 8&9: teary eyes, disregard for quality of work, a lil agression, and the need to kill for a smoke..

 

haha i just heard a funii ass joke so i thought i'd share

 

A guy needs to decide who he is going to marry out of 3 women

 

a guy gives $5000 to all 3 women to show his love for them.

 

The first woman went out and invested the money and tripled it, gave 5000 back to him and invested the rest in a joint account to show her love for him. He was very impressed by this.

The second woman used that 5000 to buy him presents to show her love for him. He was very impressed by this as well.

The third woman gave the 5000 back, saying "all i need is your love"

 

After all this, the man coulnd't decide who to marry. So he married the one with the biggest boobs. lolz!

 

if u didn't find this funii, then i farked it up somewhere lolz, because when i heard it i was laughing for a while. Gotta love the jocks that are true. 

 

 

Hey all again,

 

Well its another entry lolz... i think i'll follow the pattern of two days

 

Not much has happened again.. just been working my ass off... had volleyball and lost, farken gay i swear..

 

anyways i wont talk about volleyball.. well today i woke up feeling refreshed from a pretty good sleep and i thought to myself..fark why dont i quit smoking hahaha farken! wat a bad idea that was

 

Time start: 9am - quit smoking

Time of next smoke: 12pm

Time of thinking to stop again: 1pm

Time of next smoke: 2pm (after lunch)

 

shits farked i swear lolz. Imagine trying to be a programmer and trying to quit smoking at the same time and thats me :). lolz i swear its just like swimming with one arm... lolz.. i'll try again tomorrow hahhaa wata joke. lucky i didn't crack it at my boss. he kept getting me to answer wierd ass questions hahaha i swear he was trying to provoke me lolz.. i shoulda just chucked the keyboard at him and said it was due to withdrawal symptoms

 

Yawns, well its 5pm and im thinking of whether i should stay at work longer and catch up on work, or stay at work longer and chat, or just go home lolz... decisions decisions.... what to do..such a nice day out, wish i could go out and play with the other kids..but i cant until i get my homework done  hahaha damn i really gotta find something else to do at work other than chatting and programming abit

 

chatting to the gf at the moment, well not really, ran outa things to say to each other so we're not gonna msg each other for 30 minutes and hope there is something to say after that lolz. hmmz should i go for a smoke? NO! I must quit.. hahaha fark it smoko time.

 

5 mins later: Smoke felt real good

 

the end

 

 

 

Well well well its the fourth day and a saturday afternoon...

 

throughout the week ive been at home saving money and just trying to sleep early... i guess since the gf left ive just been stale and plain, keeping to myself. However one thing i do regret is when she calls or when we talk, im always really tired... and end up falling asleep really quick... so if ur reading gf im really sorry i dont mean to, just by coincidence...

 

Well i went out last night, didn't feel like going, but i just did because there was nothing left to do, lavish it was...surprised to see so many people there i tried to make the most of it, drank what i could and by coincidence i ended drinking most of the time with my gf's ex bf hahahah which was pretty funii...

 

Anyways saturday afternoon woke up not long ago, and im watching the cricket at home, contemplating whether i should play ps2. i know i know my life has no many hard decisions lolz... well the next decisive decision is whether i should go out tonite? blvd? maybe... i realy dont feel like it either but theres just nothing else to do... i rather spend some time catching up with friends, but i dont know who to go with and what to do...

 

so maybe if nothing comes up its just blvd tonite... what to do what to do...

 

so far this is the fourth day

 

day 4 symptoms: hang over to alcohol abuse, munchies, lonliness still..

 

i miss u so much babe.. enjoy ur night and i love u! muahz

Hello dear reader(s),

 

im pretty sure theres only 1 reader... anyways

 

its the morning of day 3 and the weather explains my mood, windy, slightly cold and just a slow day... im feeling pretty low atm, things have just been happening over the last few days which have indirectly hit me... its stupid that i care so much, but i guess i have to... some of u know some of u dont..

 

Well its day 3 of this 60 day journey of loneliness... i still haven't decided how im gonna go by dealing with this, but i guess i usually just let it be and wateva happens, happens...... but not this time, i really wanna do something... ive gotten to a stage where i think my body cant handle anymore abuse... so im gonna quit smoking, cut down on drinking, stop drinking coke and soft drinks, and stop eating so much even when im not hungry...

 

day 1 symptons: slight aggression, tingling in the crotch

day 2 symptons: further aggression, needing to stay in bed, teary eyes, wanting to watch a chick flick, watched "lake house"

day 3 symptons: slight urge to get plarsted at work (i have a feeling this one is going to exponentially increase),  and a feeling of lonliness

 

i have a feeling its gonna be a long day, i really dont know what im gonna do tonite, i feel kinda lonely.. any1 wanna keep me company? lolz

should i go clubbing with some friends? should i go watch a movie? dinner? hmmz... what to do.. its a hard decision.. or should i just stay home? no idea yet...

 

on a brighter note i downloaded beer fest and that's an awesome movie.. completely lifted my spirits so i was really happy but then came back to earth at about 1am...

 

anyways enough blaberring..this is the end

 

ps: if this Click Here works let me know where it goes

 

Hey all,

 

well the gf is leaving today to go overseas to see her family for 2 months :( it sux ass.. but what can u do...

 

i reckon its gonna be harder this time round, because we're so close now and we see each other every single day... so i dunno how im gonna cope with her gone..but theres no point in both of us crying i guess....

 

every year she goes back which means she misses out on my bday every year as well unless by some odd coincidence her family is australia during that time... we have one of those relationships where our years only go for 10 months lolz... i wish i was rich, so i didn't have to work and just spend my days flying around counting money hahahhahah gay

 

anyways.. this is it.. just a tuesday morning ponder...

well once again its been a while since ive written in this...

 

As the title suggests this piece is going to be about my ponders, secrets in general and the meaning of my life.

 

Lately ive been feeling secrets have been hidden from me, not just me hiding secrets but people around me, whether it affects me or not i just feel that i have the right to know... for some odd reason.. unreasonable? yes... but thats how i feel and to be apart of my life is to feel the way i do so therefore i am reasonable in saying i want to know the secrets, however small it may be...

 

The last of couple of weekends have been pretty hectic... working extra to finish off some stuff and trying to earn that lil bit extra money to spend during the holidays as we all are... i dont mind the work, i dont mind the hectic life, i just really hate how time flies by... i feel like im getting old, and i may be compared to some people...but turning 23 is sorta hitting me harder than i expected... i really want life to just slow down, so i can take a step back and see where my life is heading... and in turn ive realized that im missing something in my life... im just not sure yet..but i know no matter what it is i will feel fullfilled....

 

Honestly speaking, we go through life doing 1 thing that changes our way of thought, that changes the world, and it changes the way we feel... is this what im missing? the thing that wil make me happier? i think it is... maybe its a long way off, but i need to find out what this thing is... the thing we all call ambition? I dont think anyone could be happy without doing this 1 special thing...

 

So many changes will be happening in the next couple of weeks... i will be even busier at work, my gf is leaving on holidays sorta, and christmas, my birthday and 2007... how is this going to affect my life? i have no idea yet... but i hope it makes me happy.

 

For those of u that dont know me... im the type of person to just flow through life, not really making an impact... i used to always think that i would be happy if i made an impact on someones life... even just one person... the sorta thing where when i died, at my funeral, someone will say.. "im glad i had the oppurtunity to spend a lil piece of my life with phil" and just really mean it... but now... i realize i wont die happy, unless i do something special, something great, something.....

 

is this something i need to look for? to find? or is this something that will find me? thats the next question....

 

 

Dear phantom readers,

 

Well its a wet raining day today, yet surprisingly warming in melbourne. Not much can be said about it, its just melbourne.

 

Im at work atm, sitting here running some Tests for my work project. Finally finished it, what was meant to only take 3 days has taken me 3 weeks hahaha but thats not my fault. Dont you just hate it when people cant make up their mind about certain functionality and when you finish it they tell you they want it to look like this and that, and then do this and that.... but i guess thats work

 

Im still contemplating the method im gonna use to hint to my boss about my position... previously i started out as a helpdesk person... for about a month and a half then they gave me the caulfield grammar project which was done successfully. And about 3 months ago they gave me a trial for the programming position. However... since then my previous place at the company has been filled and i still have heard anything about this permanent position... sooooo im wondering how im gonna bring it up... ive been pro-cras-en-nating it for a while now... trying to figure out the best way to bring it up.... maybe as a joke? as something really serious like... "OMG!" <boss> "WATS WRONG" <me> "Whats going on with my position?" lolz... maybe a greeting card of some sort.. which asks for the full time position... or my favourite... the "cant fail to understand my hint" SMS lolz....

 

Anyways im testing is complete...time to the documentation...till next time...

 

 

The harsh reality has finally hit me back down to earth...

 

Its been so long since ive written in this place... because im using a laptop nowadays i wasn't too sure if windows live actually gave me access to my blog anymore, but now i see it does, indeed.

 

Im guessing its been about 4-6 months since the last time ive written in here... heres an update:

 

Girlfiend: Yes

Job: Yes

Money: Yes

Car: Yes

Life: Half - Half

Ambitions:No

Friends: Half - Half

 

Anyways thats the most interesting this is gonna get.... For the last couple of months ive been quite content with life and everything going around... but today for some odd reason i woke up with a shiver... and not a good shiver like how u would after pieeing out a couple of litres of alcohol...

 

The day has just gotten worse... its freezing and theres nothing to do... every1's got exams or no one feels like going out... so im stuck at home writing in here and playing ps2. Life has its ups and downs...but today been really different... if i close my eyes i can feel the pain thats buried deep inside starting to float again. I dont know why. I guess with recent events i can see my life changing in a direction that im uncertain will be good or bad.

 

Ive let soooo many people down over the months and years..but just seems the pressure from family has lifted and been put on by someone else... is there anything i can do to make sure every1 is happy.

 

After writing that line, im pretty sure i should stop.... thinking straight is not my strong point...

 

the end

 

 

 

 

Once again life is starting to dawnt on me.

 

The harsh reality of life has hit me hard and fast, and there is nothing i can do about it at this present time. All i can do is hope and pray for a better future. A life without stress and arrogance.

 

It is true, what they say. Money doesn't buy happiness. And im living that illusion without the money. But at least it is true that someone will always be there when you need it.

 

Sitting here, on a quiet, drizzling, cold day really describes how i feel. Just so uneventful, just so empty, and just unrelentless in the thought, is this all there really is? Is there no more functionality in life that on days like these there is nothing to look forward to?

 

Im some quiet way my inner self is asleep and hiding to be sheltered from today's reality. Is this the real way to live?

 

 

Family is just another word for people who you see everyday.

 

It farken sux, stacked my car on friday nite, ran into the back of some granny's car. Pain in the ass.

 

The biggest problem is the fact that im getting told off, because there's only third party insurance on the car, plus this morning my dad told me off for not changing the name from my brothers name to mine. Which i had no idea about. So now im getting told off for my driving which is pretty stupid because my history record is first accident plus ive only had 2 speeding fines. So now they're telling me off only because they might have to help fork out the money to repair the car.

 

Farken tight ass dad, too tight to pay an extra 200 a year for comprehensive.Fark i have the worst luck with this family. I just cant farken believe that i would not have comprehensive farken insurance on the car. So im getting told off for my driving, and my mum is telling my dad off for being a tight ass. Happy happy, wait till my brother gets involved. Oh, the loving memories. FARKER

 

So now, im without a car, without any money, and basically just all alone again. I cant wait till the holidays. I can finally just get away from every1, i wonder if there is somewhere to go for like a week. Somewhere peaceful and quiet. Somewhere, where people can leave me alone.

 

 

 

Back to bitching... as the title says,

 

I thought that life would be sweet from this point in, but now i realize what is missing in my life. And the answer is, normal people. Every1 seems to be someone they are not, and they act like someone who they want to be. There are the select few who are who they are, even though sometimes dick heads but i respect the fact that they are themselves. But in the end there will always be people who act like something else.

 

Being intoxicated, bored with life, and a pain in the ass, is what alot of people become. Well im so sick of it, so ive decided im gonna quit working at the clubs. Im sick of all the shit i have to put up with in what i do. I dont even get paid for it. I dont even get the benefits for even working there. Its farken stupid. So bye bye.

 

Resulotion: Must find a logical set of people.

 

Answer: 1

 

 

About 3 months ago i feared for the worse. Thought everything was downhill. Didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and never thought the sun would rise each morning.

 

The weekend has been pretty good. Been busy doing what i need to do, and everythings just fallen into place. Wish every day could be like that. I feel so rejuvenated, i feel so engulfed with life and all i can see is a sunset in the distance. Everything is just so beautiful. I know that this could only have happened with all those who have been with me and for me over the last couple of months. Whether it be a phone call, a "hey, hello how u doin?", or some cases "we been friends since kids" etc etc. So once again thank you.

 

Now the question begs, what happens here? I guess thats my choice on how i want things to happen. Its really up to me to choose the path of my life and making the right decisions have become ever more crucial. Time to look to the old for advice and guidance. Hopefully something will happen.

 

For some odd reason i feel like ive become a little kid again. All these emotions of happiness starting to shine through me, and it just feels so goood to be able to feel it. To know i haven't gone past the point of no return. *crosses fingers* wish i may, wish i might, make a wish on this nite, i wish.... i wish....

 

     - JUST PHILZ -

Well im starting to get my life on track i think... everything is fine atm. But when that happens everything usually comes falling down. So lets wait and see what happens within the next few weeks. If you see me post anything that could b y....

 

Lately ive just been bumming around not really doing anything, trying to focus on whats in front of me. But atm my cars stuffed and even though i dont have much to worry about it seems i have no time for anything. Im always racing around trying to do things which i can and trying to make people as happy as i can. It's so tiring. And NO im not complaining, im just stating.

 

Its been wierd the last couple of weeks. Seems like the loniless is being replaced by new comers into my life. Im starting to become alot more cockier i think. I have no idea why. I hate that. But i think these days i have the freedom to help alot more people. However it seems the more i do the less, i believe that i am really helping them. Shrugs im confused writing this.

 

Ive been smoking a hell of alot more these days because ihave nothing better to do with my time. I gotta start looking for a new car. Mines pretty much busted. Stupid preludes... any1 wanna buy a prelude for 5000??? hhahaha MINT CONDITION!

 

Working at lavish and seasons is becoming a hassle. Seems to be more and more dickheads going clubbing these days. It just ruins my party mood lolz. Everytime i finish i just wanna get outa there. Aiyahz....

 

Anyways i thought i'd just write in this since i haven't written in it in a while. Time to go back to chatting and movies. If theres any topics any1 wants me to write on please post a comment. I have not much else to write in this.